Baaaaad news?

May the IRS find that you deduct your pet sheep as an entertainment expense.
 
Christopher Moore

Crocked?

 My dear, you used to be quite a dish; now you're quite a tureen.

W. Somerset Maugham

Lethal weapon?

Here is a book so dull that a whirling dervish could read himself to sleep with it. If you were to recite even a single page in the open air, birds would fall out of the sky and dogs drop dead. 

Clive James

Overparked?

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. 

David Lloyd George