Consider the alternative?

Two possibilities exist: Either we are alone in the Universe or we are not. Both are equally terrifying.

Arthur C. Clarke

In God We Trust?

There is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America.

Otto von Bismarck 

Only in America...

...Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 


Anon.

Seasonal infestation?

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything. 


Herb Caen

Dual Coding Theory Reconsidered

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg
   

Beyond the lunatic fringe?

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds;  our planet is the mental institution of the universe.  

Goethe

Not quite right

Myrtle has a gland in her neck next to the thyroid that secretes profanity.

Garrison Keillor

Inventive spelling?

It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

Andrew Jackson

Alt lifeforms

Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case.    

William Shatner 

Stumped?

I can't say I was ever lost,
but I was bewildered once
for three days.

Daniel Boone

Research program?

The time has come to
take Martian studies a
step further, and deeper.

Phil Christensen

Boy, those French!

They have a different word for everything.

Steve Martin

Strange Convergence = Jane Austen + Zombies

Seth Grahame-Smith's mashup combining Jane Austen's classic 1813 novel Pride and Prejudice with elements of modern zombie fiction. Peruse the first three chapters or get the details.

In search of intelligent life

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

Bill Watterson