Cuked?

A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.

 Samuel Johnson

Many things can be preserved in alcohol.

Dignity is not one of them.

Charlotte Jem Levy

An imperfect tool?

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

Douglas Adams

Like what were you expecting?

A vegetable garden in the beginning looks so promising and then after all little by little it grows nothing but vegetables, nothing, nothing but vegetables. 

Gertrude Stein

Handle with caution

Vegetables when not sufficiently cooked are known to be so exceedingly unwholesome and indigestible, that the custom of serving them 'crisp' should be altogether disregarded when health is considered of more importance than fashion.

Eliza Acton, Modern Cookery for Private Families (1845)

Green leafy food group?

Tobacco is my favorite vegetable.

Frank Zappa

Garden pests?

The first zucchini I ever saw I killed it with a hoe.

John Gould

Rule of [Green] Thumb?

If a plant has an effect on the body it's because it's got chemicals in it. And if it doesn't, then it's not medicine, it's salad.

Matt Kirshen

Beyond one man's endurance

The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me.

George Bernard Shaw