Reality bites?

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.  

Woody Allen

Pick your poison

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

Anonymous

Ninth law of fashion

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Thomas Szasz

Chilling truth?

You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten.

Charles Schulz

Inquiring minds

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. 

Spike Milligan

Fido reconsidered

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.  

Edward Abbey

La différence?

On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.

Bruce Willis

Underexposed?

Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes. 

Jonathan Katz
 

Inspiration?

The hardest part of skating is the ice.

Anonymous

Even if you're on the right track

... you'll get run over if you just sit there. 

Will Rogers

The best measure of a man's honesty

... isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. 

 

Arthur C. Clarke 

Speak the truth

 

... leave immediately after. 

Slovenian proverb

Hard to ignore?

It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles; the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring out.

Alexander Pope

Spot the aberration?

The troublesome ones in a family are usually either the wits or the idiots.

George Eliot

Time to recalibrate?

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Ken Dykes

Life of the party?

Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones.

Benjamin Disraeli

You are what you drink?

Civilized adults do not take apple juice with dinner.

Fran Lebowitz

Hot stuff?

The voodoo priest and all his powders were as nothing compared to espresso, cappuccino, and mocha, which are stronger than all the religions of the world combined, and perhaps stronger than the human soul itself.

Mark Helprin

Survival of the fittest?

Long after the bomb falls and you and your good deeds are gone, cockroaches will still be here, prowling the streets like armored cars.

Tama Janowitz

Behind every great man

... is a woman rolling her eyes.

Jim Carrey

Bugged?

It’s not enough to be busy, so are the ants. The question is, what are we busy about?

Henry David Thoreau

Fueled?

Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline, the first often tasting like the second.

Edward Abbey

Better than truth serum?

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man person to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.

Graham Greene

Wisdom of the ages?

Pie and coffee is approximately the third best social interaction a man can hope to have with a woman. 

Unknown

If it turns out that there is a God...

I don't think that he's evil. But the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Woody Allen

It's for your own good

Friends don’t let friends sing karaoke.

Bill Dortch

My doctor says....

I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefor excused from saving Universes.

Douglas Adams

What's your beef?

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Mark Twain

Stuck?

You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.

Timothy Leary

Prolonged dormancy?

The two girls emanated an incorrigible idle inertia.

William Faulkner

A toast

Stir the eggnog,
Lift the toddy
Happy New Year,
Everybody.

Phyllis McGinley