Temper your expectations

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bileless New Year and leave it at that. 

Judith Christ

Ever after

And they lived happily (aside from a few normal disagreements, misunderstandings, pouts, silent treatments, and unexpected calamities) ever after.
 
Jean Ferris

Natural order?

Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order.

David Gerrold

Attentive?

Women like silent men.
They think they are listening.

Marcel Achard

Mais oui!

There is no hell.

There is only France.

Frank Zappa

Right to Write?

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Santa Claus has the right idea...

Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Tis the season

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Ian O'Doherty

Everyone is gifted

But some people never open their package. 

Anon.

Off road?

I saw myself driving through Eternity in a timeless taxi. 

K. Mansfield

There are four kinds of homicide...

Felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Ambrose Bierce

Make nice?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Holy hubcaps!

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

G. K. Chesterton 

Inventive spelling?

It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

Andrew Jackson

You can too

Remember, anyone can juggle for a second.

John Alejandro King

Blockage Control

Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.

Don Roff
 

No problem

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Fran Lebowitz

Matrophobia?

We have nothing to fear but our mothers.

Anne Taintor

Leveraged assets?

She rose and followed her bust from the room.

Margery Allingham 
 

Domestic arts

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

George Carlin