Temper your expectations

Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let's just wish each other a bileless New Year and leave it at that. 

Judith Christ

Ever after

And they lived happily (aside from a few normal disagreements, misunderstandings, pouts, silent treatments, and unexpected calamities) ever after.
 
Jean Ferris

Natural order?

Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. Then the worms eat you. Be grateful it happens in that order.

David Gerrold

Attentive?

Women like silent men.
They think they are listening.

Marcel Achard

Mais oui!

There is no hell.

There is only France.

Frank Zappa

Right to Write?

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Santa Claus has the right idea...

Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Tis the season

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Ian O'Doherty

Everyone is gifted

But some people never open their package. 

Anon.

Off road?

I saw myself driving through Eternity in a timeless taxi. 

K. Mansfield

There are four kinds of homicide...

Felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.

Ambrose Bierce

Make nice?

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody come sit next to me.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Holy hubcaps!

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car.

G. K. Chesterton 

Inventive spelling?

It is a damn poor mind that can think of only one way to spell a word.

Andrew Jackson

You can too

Remember, anyone can juggle for a second.

John Alejandro King

Blockage Control

Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.

Don Roff
 

No problem

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Fran Lebowitz

Matrophobia?

We have nothing to fear but our mothers.

Anne Taintor

Leveraged assets?

She rose and followed her bust from the room.

Margery Allingham 
 

Domestic arts

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

George Carlin

Better with coffee?

You can never have enough garlic. With enough garlic, you can eat The New York Times.

Morley Safer

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask...

'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.  

Charles M. Schulz

It's a tough job....

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen

What would Dr. Spock say?

Never raise your hand to your children. It leaves your midsection unprotected.    

Robert Orben

Hmmmmmm....

It's so beautifully arranged on the plate - -  you know someone's fingers have been all over it.
 

Julia Child 

Alt lifeforms

Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case.    

William Shatner 

Handle with caution

Vegetables when not sufficiently cooked are known to be so exceedingly unwholesome and indigestible, that the custom of serving them 'crisp' should be altogether disregarded when health is considered of more importance than fashion.

Eliza Acton, Modern Cookery for Private Families (1845)

True confession?

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Werner von Braun

Compost?

You are more useful to Nature dead than alive.

U.G. Krishnamurti

Unsettling presence?

Librarians, like ministers of religion, and poets, and people with mental health disorders, can make people nervous.

Ian Sansom

Let no man put asunder

The proper union of gin and vermouth is a great and sudden glory; it is one of the happiest marriages on earth, and one of the shortest lived.

Bernard De Voto

Home cooking?

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.   

Calvin Trillin

Unintended consequences?

I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk.

John Marcellus Huston