Upon reconsideration

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
 

Doug Larson

No go

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.

Erma Bombeck

Karmic justice?

Accept that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you are the statue.

Scott Adams

Change is inevitable

.... except from a vending machine.

Robert C. Gallagher

Rambling thoughts?

Sometimes the facts in my head get bored and decide to take a walk in my mouth. Frequently this is a bad thing.
 
Scott Westerfeld

Makes the point?

A half truth, like half a brick, is always more forcible as an argument than a whole one. It carries better.

Stephen Leacock

I am not eccentric.

It's just that I am more alive than most people. 

Edith Sitwell

Leadership reconsidered

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers. 

Daniel J. Boorstin

Advice to commencement speakers?

Be sincere, be brief, be seated.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Love looks forward

... hate looks back, anxiety has eyes all over its head.  

Mignon McLaughlin

Not done in polite company?

One camel does not make fun of another camel's hump.

Ghanaian Proverb

Better enjoyed from a distance

Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.
 

Sir Thomas Beecham

Time out?

There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be much diminished by a nice cup of tea.  

Bernard-Paul Heroux

Stuck?

The Pin is mightier than the sword.

Fred Reinfeld

Look before you leap?

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.  

Stanislaw Lec

As it was in the beginning?

The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system: "But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil."  Matthew 5:37. 


 

Beyond speechless

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous. 

Henry Adams

Dealt a bad hand?

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died. 

Steven Wright

It's elementary?

Never invest in any idea you can't illustrate with a crayon.  

Peter Lynch

Never face facts

... if you do you'll never get up in the morning.

Marlo Thomas

Just drink it

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
 

Fran Lebowitz

Gnawing thoughts?

If it was necessary to tolerate in other people everything that one permits oneself, life would be unbearable.
 
Georges Courteline

Rest assured?

God is love, but get it in writing.

Gypsy Rose Lee

For better, for worse?

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
 
Oscar Wilde

Indelible memories?

Elephants and grandchildren never forget. 

Andy Rooney

Never wrestle with pigs.

 You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

George Bernard Shaw

Not so fast?

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.  

Steven Wright

No happy median?

We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. 

Aneurin Bevan

Immersed?

I believe in getting into hot water. It keeps you clean.

G. K. Chesterton

Buzzed?

I sing the body electric.

Walt Whitman

Inquiring minds?

I am desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Dave Edison