It was a very good year?

Candy  corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Lewis Black

Maybe not

No ghost was ever seen by two pair of eyes.

Thomas Carlyle

Take turns. Play nice?

Campus politics are so vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Henry Kissenger

It only gets better

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press "three."

Alice Kahn

'Tis the season?

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

George Bernard Shaw

Civilization reconsidered

For four-fifths of our history, our planet was populated by pond scum.

J. W. Schopf

Real or Imagined?

It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.

 P. D. James

Another memorable evening

The dying process begins the minute we are born, but it accelerates during dinner parties.

Carol Matthau

To the quick?

You can tell a lot from a person's nails. When a life starts to unravel, they're among the first to go. 

 Ian McEwan

The greatest show on earth?

You can get the monkey off your back, but the circus never leaves town.

Anne Lamott

No significant difference?

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.

Grace Hanson

See it my way?

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same. 

Stendhal

Better late than never?

Wall Street indexes predicted nine out of the last five recessions.

Paul Samuelson

Why the hell not?

When one kicks over a tea table and smashes everything but the sugar bowl, one may as well pick that up and drop it on the bricks, don't you think?

Margery Allingham

Shiver my timbers

It's better to be a pirate than to join the Navy.

Steve Jobs

Hung over?

He resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again.

Kingsley Amis 

Throughput reconsidered

Total nonretention has kept my education from being a burden to me.

Flannery O'Connor

You're covered?

Self-respect is nothing to hide behind. When you need it most it isn't there.

May Sarton  

Appearances to the contrary

She was a good Christian woman with a large respect for religion, although she did not, of course, believe any of it was true.

 Flannery O'Connor

A sticky situation?

Something has got to hold it together. I'm saying my prayers to Elmer, the Greek god of glue.

Tom Robbins

Berthed until further notice

If Columbus had an advisory committee he would probably still be at the dock.

Arthur Goldberg

Informed taste?

It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.

James Thurber

Reserving judgement?

There may be little or much beyond the grave, But the strong are saying nothing until they see.

Robert Frost

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Let’s drive up to New England and watch the leaves die. 

Bruce Eric Kaplan 

All in a day's work

If, at the close of business each evening, I myself can understand what I've written, I feel the day hasn't been totally wasted.

S. J. Perelman

Or both

I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

E. B. White

Seventh Law of Fashion

Never despise fashion.  
It's what we have instead of God.

Malcolm Bradbury

It's been lovely

People are far more sincere and good-humored at speeding their parting guests than on meeting them.

Anton Chekhov

Where's the party?

In heaven all the interesting people are missing.

Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Look no further

Philosophers have often looked for the defining feature of humans — language, rationality, culture and so on. I’d stick with this: Man is the only animal that likes Tabasco sauce.

Dr. Paul Bloom

Fill the pews?

Baseball is like church.
Many attend, few understand.

Leo Durocher