It all depends

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New  Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.  

Bill Vaughan

 

Beyond reason?

There is science, logic, reason; there is thought verified by experience. And then there is California.

Edward Abbey 

All bases covered?

My loathings are simple: stupidity, oppression, crime, cruelty, soft music. 

Vladimir Nabokov 

It was a blonde.

A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window. 

Raymond Chandler

There are two kinds of people in the world

The kind who alphabetize their record collections, and the kind who don't.  

Sarah Vowell

Gifted?

One can never have enough socks... Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.

 Albus Dumbledore
[J.K. Rowling] 

Festooned?

Perhaps the best Yuletide decoration is being wreathed in smiles.  

Anon.

In the bosom of family

Christmas is a time when you get homesick -- even when you're home.  

Carol Nelson

Ho Ho Ho?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

Fa la la?

Orphans, dead parents, lonely children at Christmas, morose spoken word recordings, everything you love about the holidays. Move the turkey over so you can fit your head in the oven.  

April Winchell

Once again, we come to the holiday season

... a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. 

Dave Barry

Punct'd?

Writers have no real area of expertise. They are merely generalists with a highly inflamed sense of punctuation.

Lorrie Moore

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories

... and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.  

Laura Ingalls Wilder

Cuked?

A cucumber should be well-sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.

 Samuel Johnson

To be precise

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

Imelda Marcos

Eighth Law of Fashion

There is nothing more dreadful than imagination without taste. 

 Goethe

Hacked?

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

David Letterman

You are what you eat?

Pie is the food of the heroic. No pie eating nation can ever be vanquished.

Editorial, New York Times, 1902

Happy Monday

Unbeing dead isn't being alive.

e. e. cummings

Keep your options open

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.

Andrew S. Tanenbaum

Good company?

Schizophrenia beats dining alone. 

Oscar Levant

Trouble getting started?

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.  

Emo Phillips

Guilty as charged

The modern mocha is a bittersweet concoction of imperialism, genocide, invention, and consumerism served with whipped cream on top.

Sarah Vowell

Many things can be preserved in alcohol.

Dignity is not one of them.

Charlotte Jem Levy

Early retirement reconsidered

It is not economical to go to bed early to save candles if the result is twins.  

 Chinese Proverb

Time is an illusion.

Lunchtime doubly so.

Douglas Adams

Time out?

If your wife locks you out of the house, you don't have a problem with your door.  

Anne Lamott 

It's all in her head

If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged.

Margaret Atwood

Or not

I can, with one eye squinted, take it all as a blessing.

Flannery O'Connor

November

 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 

Ambrose Bierce

Foreign phrase?

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'as pretty as an airport' appear.

Douglas Adams

Happy Motoring

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Steven Wright

The view from 10,000 feet?

Idealism increases in direct proportion to one’s distance from the problem. 

John Galsworthy 

Fame reconsidered

That's so silly.  An icon is something on your computer.

Cher

Everyone has a purpose in life.

Perhaps yours is watching television.

David Letterman

Menacing thoughts?

My mind is a neighborhood I try not to go into alone.

Anne Lamott

Gobbled?

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.  

 Erma Bombeck

Nothing but the truth?

It's not true that I had nothing on.
I had the radio on.

Marilyn Monroe

Only her hairdresser knows for sure

In the 1950's only seven percent of American women dyed their hair; today there are parts of Manhattan and Los Angeles where there are no gray-haired women at all.

Nora Ephron

Chrono-dysphoria

Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.

Steven Wright

Your lucky day?

Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck. 

 S. J. Perelman

Raison d'etre?

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.

Kurt Vonnegut

One of life's persistent questions

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Steven Wright

New frontier?

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

Cross Cultural Enrichment?

I never make a trip to the United States without visiting a supermarket. To me they are more fascinating than any fashion salon.  

Wallis Simpson

RIPped off?

Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.  

Ambrose Bierce

Where's the line?

There is, however, a limit at which forbearance ceases to be a virtue.

Edmund Burke 

Biological imperative?

I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.

Jane Wagner

Change of scenery?

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Fran Lebowitz

Go with the flow?

It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

Henry Allen