Good manners

... involve the habit of skillful insincerity – the habit of saying ‘good morning’ to those whose mornings you would rather blight, and of passing the butter to those you would rather starve.   

Roger Scruton

Do unto others....

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

G. K. Chesterton

Excised?

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed.

Peter Sellers

Road not taken?

If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.

Albert Einstein 

On par?

His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

Robin Williams

Cracked?

We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.  

C. S. Lewis

It's not true....

... the Congressman was sleeping during the debate. He was just taking a few moments for deep reflection.

Congressional aide

Blown away?

My lips are chapped from the winds of change. 

Sarah Vowell

Artful dodger?

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.

Winston Churchill

Mea maxima culpa?

Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.

Charles Osgood

Cross this off your list

If you haven't found something strange during the day, it hasn't been much of a day.

John A. Wheeler

Bivalve bliss?

I'm happy as a clam. Wait. Are clams happy?

Steve Martin

Duly noted

I would like to see anyone, prophet, king or God, convince a thousand cats to do the same thing at the same time.

Neil Gaiman

Anonymous design?

My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.

Christopher Morley

Fuzzy logic?

When I grow up I want to be a principal or a caterpillar. 

Ralph Wiggam

Crocked?

 My dear, you used to be quite a dish; now you're quite a tureen.

W. Somerset Maugham

In case you were looking

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.   

W. Somerset Maugham

Daylight Savings Time reconsidered

It was such a lovely day I thought it a pity to get up.

Somerset Maugham

Tenth Law of Fashion

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.  

Elsa Schiaparelli

Size doesn't matter

We do not necessarily respect a fat man more than a thin man. Sir Isaac Newton was very much smaller than a hippopotamus, but we do not on that account value him less.
 

Bertrand Russell

I commend my soul

... to any god that can find it. 

Terry Pratchet

Matrophobia II

She looks like something that would eat its young.

Dorothy Parker

A positive attitude

... may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

Herm Albright

Good manners always prevail?

You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Al Capone

Don't talk to me about naval tradition.

 It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash. 

Winston Churchill

Lethal weapon?

Here is a book so dull that a whirling dervish could read himself to sleep with it. If you were to recite even a single page in the open air, birds would fall out of the sky and dogs drop dead. 

Clive James

Practice makes perfect?

A Scout smiles and whistles under all circumstances.

Robert Baden-Powell
 

Constrained vision?

He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

Molly Irvins

Not amused

She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.

J. M. Barrie

It's all in your mind?

That's not writing, that's typing.

Truman Capote

A month in the laboratory

... can often save an hour in the library.  

Frank H. Westheimer