If she hadn't gone into cooking...

I would have married a Republican banker and become an alcoholic.
Julie Child

Just passing?

Self-respect: the secure feeling that no one, as yet, is suspicious.

H. L. Mencken

Advice to children crossing the street

Damn the lights.
Watch the cars. 
The lights ain't never killed nobody.   

Moms Mabley

I'm clucked

I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs. 

H. L. Mencken

Too much information?

One day, I shall explode like an artillery shell and all my bits will be found on the writing table.

Gustave Flaubert

Seasonal infestation?

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything. 


Herb Caen

Lone star beauty regimen

Every [wo]man has a right to a Saturday night bath.

Lyndon B. Johnson

Mum's the word?

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Robert Benchley 

Commodities reconsidered

staples. n. consumer goods that are bought often and consumed routinely. 

Sobering thought?

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.  

Samuel Johnson

Overdrive?

In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. 

Jeff Bezos

A la macaques?

Never in all her life had she imagined that this idolized millinery could look, to those who paid for it, like the decorations of an insane monkey.

Charlotte Perkins Gilman
 

Blaming nature?

But a weed is simply a plant that wants to grow where people want something else. In blaming nature, people mistake the culprit.   Weeds are people's idea, not nature's. 


Anon.

Translation required

What does it mean, 'exact change'?

Mr. Spock

It's an emergency

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. 

Dave Barry

Parenting reconsidered

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Dr. Benjamin Spock

Out there?

You'd think that radio was around long enough that someone would have coined a word for staring into space.  

Ira Glass

Law of domestic entropy?

The worst thing about work in the house or home is that whatever you do it is destroyed, laid waste or eaten within twenty-four hours. 

Lady Hasluck

Chew on this?

Electioneering and chewing gum are the best examples of motion without progress. 

Anon.

Theory of efficiency?

Did St. Francis really preach to the birds? Whatever for? If he really liked birds he would have done better to preach to the cats.    

Rebecca West

A little known fact

Bunny slippers remind me of who I am. You can't get a swelled head if you wear bunny slippers. 


Dean Koontz

Huh?

If you believe that your thoughts originate inside your brain, do you also believe that television shows are made inside your television set?" 

Warren Ellis

The Word

The bigger the hair, the closer to God.

Stephanie Kocielski
Artistic director
John Paul Mitchell Systems

Low impact?

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

Kurt Vonnegut 

Voices Calling

My bed is sending out serious nap rays.

Laurie Halse Anderson

May the better species win

It has always been my private conviction that any man who pits his intelligence against a fish and loses has it coming.

John Steinbeck

Lucky bunny?

Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.

R E Shay

The Easter Bunny revisited

The rabbit has a charming face:
Its private life is a disgrace.
I really dare not name to you
The awful things that rabbits do.
Anonymous

More...

Let loose

Only in spontaneity can we be who we truly are.


John McLaughlin

And many more

The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

Alan Patrick Herbert