Toxic thinking?

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Carrie Fisher

Fifth law of fashion?

[We] do not believe in God. [We] believe in cashmere.

 Fran Liebowitz

Pain builds character?

You don't have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough suffering for anyone.

John Ciardi

That time of year?

A university is a college with a stadium seating over 40,000.  

Leonard L. Levinson

National consensus?

Finally Americans have found a political problem that they are willing to come together and do something about. No, not terrorism...close, it's telemarketing.

Lewis Black

Not your momma's cooking

Scrambled eggs should never be assembled in vatsized proportions. 

Roy Blount, Jr.

Gee, what a terrific party.

Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other. 

Neil Simon

Unsettled?

I feel a very unusual sensation -- if it is not indigestion, I think it must be gratitude.

Benjamin Disraeli

Everlasting fire and hormones?

If there is a hell, it is modeled after Jr. high.

Lewis Black

Millions long for immortality

 ...who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.  

Susan Ertz

Busy signal

God seems to have left the receiver off the hook ...

Arthur Koestler

Thou shalt not covet?

He who has never envied the vegetable has missed the human drama.

E. M. Cioran

Squawk box?

I don't hold with furniture that talks.

Fred Allen

Take flight

There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror.  

Orson Welles

To stretch a point?

I try not to break the rules, but merely to test their elasticity.  

Bill Veeck

Deep trouble

The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.

David Gerrold

Thousand year war?

Don’t set your wit against a child. 

Jonathan Swift

Overparked?

He has sat on the fence so long that the iron has entered his soul. 

David Lloyd George

Free ride?

Only dead fish swim with the stream.

Malcolm Muggeridge

A word to the wise?

[We] like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification. 

Bill Watterson

A pointed observation?

We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. 

Oscar Wilde

Sanity check?

Every leader needs to look back once in a while to make sure he has followers.

Anon.

Our little secret?

I feel sure that no girl would go to the altar if she knew all.

Queen Victoria

Fourth law of fashion

Brevity is the soul of lingerie. 

Dorothy Parker  

  

General counsel

Ignorance of your profession is best concealed by solemnity and silence, which pass for profound knowledge upon the generality of mankind.

Advice to Officers of the British Army, 1783

Give Joe a rest

Sleep is actually a good substitute for coffee.

Bill Arms

No joke

The total absence of humour in the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature. 

Alfred North Whitehead

Third law of fashion

I think the most important thing a woman can have - next to talent, of course - is her hairdresser.

Joan Crawford 

Work or play?

Philosophers are often like small children who scribble random marks on paper and then ask an adult, "What is this? 

Ludwig Wittgenstein

An intergalactic twist

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, prepare to die.

Klingon Proverb

I don't dislike babies...

... though I think very young ones rather disgusting.  

Queen Victoria