All great change in America...

...begins at the dinner table  
Ronald Reagan

It's that time of year

You can't see Canada across lake Erie, but you know it's there.  It's the same with spring.  You have to have faith, especially in Cleveland.

Paul Fleischman   

Not quite right

Myrtle has a gland in her neck next to the thyroid that secretes profanity.

Garrison Keillor

Does she or doesn't she?

Genius is of small use to a woman who does not know how to do her hair.

Edith Wharton
   

Great equalizer?

There's one good thing about snow.  It makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's. 

Clyde Moore

I always wanted to be somebody...

... but now I realize I should
have been more specific.

Lily Tomlin

Portion Control?

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Mitch Hedberg 

Yes, sir.

Okay you guys, pair up in threes!  

Yogi Berra
 

One man's therapy?

I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade. It's amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor.

George Bernard Shaw

Ask me no questions...

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

H. H. Munro

Luck of the draw?

Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Anon.

Unconventional inspiration?

If suffering brought wisdom, the dentist’s office would be full of luminous ideas.

Mason Cooley  

Tempus fugit

Time doth flit; oh shit.

Dorothy Parker

Hindsight is 20/20?

I didn't know I was doing film noir.  I thought they were detective stories with low lighting.

Marie Windsor

Skip the roses

Are we not like two volumes of one book?

Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

Theory of everything?

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.' 

Dave Barry

But who prays for Satan?

Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Mark Twain

Code Red

Stash away the duct tape. Don't use it, stash it away and that pre-measured plastic sheeting for future -- and I emphasize future use, ... [You] probably won't need it, but in case you do, you'll have it available. 

Tom Ridge

You're on your own

Existentialism means that no one else can take a bath for you. 


Delmore Schwartz

An imperfect tool?

It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.

Douglas Adams

Immeasurable?

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.

A. Einstein

Soldier on?

In a mad world it always seems simpler to obey.

Graham Greene

Deliver us from our trespasses

God's wrath is an overlooked meteorological phenomenon. 

K. P. Charuk

Graduate school reconsidered

Pain is the craft entering into the apprentice.

French Proverb

It all depends.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

Mark Knopfler

Time heals nothing.

It merely rearranges your memory.

Anon.

Faint praise?

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.  Eleanor Roosevelt 

Cool your jets?

He who hesitates is sometimes wise.

Malcolm Forbes