The road to hell ....

Is paved with adverbs.

Stephen King

And the winner is....

I can't wait for the human race to be over and they give out the trophies.

Malcolm Watts

Patience

A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Ambrose Bierce

I'm ok, really

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

Albert Camus

A worthy cause

We don't devote enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

Bill Watterson

Cave Art?

Ads are the cave art of the twentieth century.

Marshall McLuhan

Climbing the walls?

The doctor suggested that she take a break from her scholarly pursuits.

Second life?

I think housework is the reason most women go to the office.

Anon.

Money won't buy happiness

...but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Bill Vaughn

Gracious Living?

Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is.

Charles Schulz

Inside every older person....

... is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

Cora Harvey Armstrong

Never invoke the gods....

... unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

G.K. Chesterton

Hope springs eternal

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half inch eraser-- in case you thought optimism was dead.

Robert Brault

Wide range of normal?

Let all forms of happy mutancy prevail.

Cory Doctorow

Get lucky?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Anon.

A nip in the air?

Sweater, n. A garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Ambrose Bierce

I arise in the morning....

...torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.

E. B. White

Her crowning glory

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.

Fred Allen

Get crazy

I'm going to throw caution to the winds and have a sweet sherry.

Alan Bennett.

Consciousness

That annoying time between naps.

Anon.